After writing my first post, I felt a huge confidence blow - why did I bother to write it? No-one cares, no-one's interested. Then I realised... I haven't really let people in! I've been hiding behind privacy settings on Twitter and haven't opened myself up to the possibilities of being 'open'!
Yes, I'm a teacher and yes, that weighs very heavily on my mind. However, there are no direct pictures of me; I don't mention my name; what do I need to feel ashamed about?
It's incredible the barriers that you can put up (subconsciously). I'm so intimidated by all of the wonderful bloggers who grace my timeline- truth be told, they're probably just as terrified as I am!
I love reading all about people's body confidence and their incredible self-acceptance. This is something I crave; to be able to look in the mirror and be KIND to myself. Society has an amazing way of creating self-hatred; it's so sad! I have a wealth of academic qualifications, lots of friends and I think I'm generally an 'ok' person. Yet, I've learnt to detest myself because I have a belly... because I put on 5 stone after an abusive ex subjected me to two years of misery.. because I haven't yet lost that AND MORE!
It doesn't matter how many times people tell you that you are good enough, it doesn't seem to sink in. After having countless bouts of therapy, I'm not feeling much different. Why is that? Is it because I read the cr*p that advocates such a negative image of fatness? Probably.
I'm determined to put effort into really caring for myself more and GIVING MYSELF A BREAK! I have so many conditions on myself, it's like I'm in jail... a life sentence for being fat. What a miserable way to live!
I know there will be lots of people that feel like this and to you, I extend my hand of friendship and I feel heart-broken for you. I don't look at other fat women and think 'eugh'; I think, WOW, awesome body, gorgeous hair, wonderful eyes, beautiful smile... I need to extend the hand of friendship to myself!
xxxxxxx
Monday, 21 January 2013
Saturday, 29 December 2012
My First Go
Wow, hello Bloggersphere...
I read so much stuff on t'interweb... some tat, some genius. Some blogs make me feel empowered, some depressed... some like I'm not the only one. Since reading 'fatshion' blogs, for example, I have felt as if I belong to a fellowship on the web; a place full of similar-minded people who won't judge me for being 5'11" and a 'big gal'. Some of these bloggers have taught me that it's ok to enjoy clothes and not give a flying shit what anyone else thinks. That isn't something I've been used to - more later...
I didn't (don't) have a specific aim by writing this - there is no 'target audience'. I've always been rather shy of posting on Twitter or any other social media- I'm a teacher and always feel terrified that my posts will come back to haunt me! However, I thought it was time for me to put my thoughts down in writing! WOO!
I've really struggled with depression in the past; I think that deep down, I still do. I'm 25 and never believe myself to be good enough. I have a wonderful, supportive partner- again, that hasn't always been the case- who has made me feel alive and able to address some demons. Some people would judge me insane for allowing a man to dictate my mood... I'm not here to be judged!
I'm not here to be miserable and I hope it's not coming across that way - I just want to be candid and feel liberated to do so through the anonymity that the Internet offers.
There's so much that I'd like to write about; my views on bullying, on weight, on teaching and the education system... I feel like I'm bubbling over with opinion that I'd like to share. It isn't deemed appropriate to disagree with people when you're an adult; you are described as being 'awkward' or 'difficult' for doing so. I have a real issue with that; I love a decent discussion and I feel squashed in my current occupation; we must unify!
I also feel like I'm constantly being judged; I'm already worrying about what people will say if they stumble upon this blog. How ridiculous! Why should I care? Again, I think it's the ugly symptoms of low self-esteem and depression, raising their ugly heads...
I'm going to post this before I chicken out. It felt good; it'll feel a lot better once I've got to grips with my confidence and allowed myself to write in a way that is cathartic for me!
I hope that this blog can help me release some of the inner demons that haunt me and that I can begin to become a little more at peace with myself! After all, life is short and I want to live it in a way that provides me with as much joy as possible!
xxxx
I read so much stuff on t'interweb... some tat, some genius. Some blogs make me feel empowered, some depressed... some like I'm not the only one. Since reading 'fatshion' blogs, for example, I have felt as if I belong to a fellowship on the web; a place full of similar-minded people who won't judge me for being 5'11" and a 'big gal'. Some of these bloggers have taught me that it's ok to enjoy clothes and not give a flying shit what anyone else thinks. That isn't something I've been used to - more later...
I didn't (don't) have a specific aim by writing this - there is no 'target audience'. I've always been rather shy of posting on Twitter or any other social media- I'm a teacher and always feel terrified that my posts will come back to haunt me! However, I thought it was time for me to put my thoughts down in writing! WOO!
I've really struggled with depression in the past; I think that deep down, I still do. I'm 25 and never believe myself to be good enough. I have a wonderful, supportive partner- again, that hasn't always been the case- who has made me feel alive and able to address some demons. Some people would judge me insane for allowing a man to dictate my mood... I'm not here to be judged!
I'm not here to be miserable and I hope it's not coming across that way - I just want to be candid and feel liberated to do so through the anonymity that the Internet offers.
There's so much that I'd like to write about; my views on bullying, on weight, on teaching and the education system... I feel like I'm bubbling over with opinion that I'd like to share. It isn't deemed appropriate to disagree with people when you're an adult; you are described as being 'awkward' or 'difficult' for doing so. I have a real issue with that; I love a decent discussion and I feel squashed in my current occupation; we must unify!
I also feel like I'm constantly being judged; I'm already worrying about what people will say if they stumble upon this blog. How ridiculous! Why should I care? Again, I think it's the ugly symptoms of low self-esteem and depression, raising their ugly heads...
I'm going to post this before I chicken out. It felt good; it'll feel a lot better once I've got to grips with my confidence and allowed myself to write in a way that is cathartic for me!
I hope that this blog can help me release some of the inner demons that haunt me and that I can begin to become a little more at peace with myself! After all, life is short and I want to live it in a way that provides me with as much joy as possible!
xxxx
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