After writing my first post, I felt a huge confidence blow - why did I bother to write it? No-one cares, no-one's interested. Then I realised... I haven't really let people in! I've been hiding behind privacy settings on Twitter and haven't opened myself up to the possibilities of being 'open'!
Yes, I'm a teacher and yes, that weighs very heavily on my mind. However, there are no direct pictures of me; I don't mention my name; what do I need to feel ashamed about?
It's incredible the barriers that you can put up (subconsciously). I'm so intimidated by all of the wonderful bloggers who grace my timeline- truth be told, they're probably just as terrified as I am!
I love reading all about people's body confidence and their incredible self-acceptance. This is something I crave; to be able to look in the mirror and be KIND to myself. Society has an amazing way of creating self-hatred; it's so sad! I have a wealth of academic qualifications, lots of friends and I think I'm generally an 'ok' person. Yet, I've learnt to detest myself because I have a belly... because I put on 5 stone after an abusive ex subjected me to two years of misery.. because I haven't yet lost that AND MORE!
It doesn't matter how many times people tell you that you are good enough, it doesn't seem to sink in. After having countless bouts of therapy, I'm not feeling much different. Why is that? Is it because I read the cr*p that advocates such a negative image of fatness? Probably.
I'm determined to put effort into really caring for myself more and GIVING MYSELF A BREAK! I have so many conditions on myself, it's like I'm in jail... a life sentence for being fat. What a miserable way to live!
I know there will be lots of people that feel like this and to you, I extend my hand of friendship and I feel heart-broken for you. I don't look at other fat women and think 'eugh'; I think, WOW, awesome body, gorgeous hair, wonderful eyes, beautiful smile... I need to extend the hand of friendship to myself!
xxxxxxx
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